Monday, 28 September 2015

Destroy all Computers and save Humanity

I recently decided to try a FutureLearn course "Introduction to Journalism." This includes a developing story which clearly involves some kind of evil disruption of the worlds computers. One of the exercises was to write a letter to a newspaper and I decided to write a letter as if from a conspiracy theorist who was a Luddite with strong communist leanings. I feel the result may cause some amusement to readers of this blog.

To the Editor, Conspiracy Theory News
Dr Jones fails to understand the real cause of the recent disruption – but because he works in a Department of Cybercrime I assume he must be a criminal.
As the president of the Modern Luddite Society I can confidently tell you that all computers are inherently evil. They are built by capitalists to exploit the Common Man.
For instance when the current crisis started the power went off and I lost everything in my deep freezer and had to go to Mr Tesco’s shop to get more. This has now happened four times and money-grabbing Mr. Tesco is clearly using his computers to boost sales at my expense.
However the person we should blame for all these problems is Mr Turing. He invented the first computer to spy on Germans during the 2nd World War – his work at Bletchley Park even involved using a “Bombe.”
He then invented the “Turing Test” to be able to measure how good his computer was at fooling people. Then, with the help of Von Neumann, he put his invention in a black box so complex that no-one can understand how it works. This makes deceiving ordinary people much easier to do.
Then that spider-like Tim Berners-Lea got us all tangled in the world-wide web, which gathers information about every one of us. This means that, for instance, that profiteers can bombard me with messages to buy more tins of spam.
At the same time people who clearly hate humanity use computers to spread lethal viruses. I know this for a fact as my Aunt Mary died when she caught one.
Even the Bank of England has exploited their evil computer by getting it to add zeros to the number at the end of their own bank statement. They call it “financial easing” but really it is like printing forged bank notes as it reduces the value of the meagre amount of money the poor have earned by genuine hard work.
Surely the answer to the current crisis is obvious. Join me at Parliament Square on Sunday for a Grand Computer Burning Fiesta and see the devilish machines go up in flames. Perhaps Dr Jones would like to join me. This will be a sure way to persuade our Government to pass a bill banning all computers.

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